The Player’s Circle (Part1)

In the dating world, there are two types of people. There are relationship types that only date one person at a time with the intention of seeking a relationship from the first date. Then there is the rest of us – the players. The players date multiple people at one time and are motivated by attraction rather than the idea of settling down. There are relationship people in this group, but they find themselves on the fringes of The Players Circle with one leg in because they are recovering from a broken heart or are in denial about what they want. Being a hopeless romantic in The Players Circle is always a challenge as I strive to control my emotions. I see a distinct difference between love and commitment. After getting divorced, I stopped seeking marriage and became more interested in love, passion, and intimacy. The Relationship Circle bores me, and I live in the moment and like sex too much to be exclusive with anyone in that circle. For now, The Players Circle is my home. The sex is better in The Players Circle and it's always different. I have had moments of ecstasy on the dance floor and adventures at after-parties that never would have happened if I was in The Relationship Circle. I’m convinced single people have more fun although we might not be happier.

Once or twice a year I meet someone that I really like and usually they are also surprised they like me too. I meet you on the dance floor. All future encounters are a result of a random call from you at 2 am passionately pleading for me to come over. No dates. The first night I come over, we tear each’s others clothes off, you bite my neck, and slap my ass. I cuddle with you for about an hour and then start to get ready to go back home. You yell at me for not staying as if you have never been more insulted in your life. I think I never stay but I guess I could make an exception. In his emotional plea to insist on me staying, he announces he won't be seeing me again if I leave so I get back in bed to hold him. I set my alarm very early to get home before everyone wakes up. Five minutes after the alarm sounds, I get ready and kiss you good-bye and you yell at me genuinely pissed I'm leaving already. You complain, "We didn't get to cuddle or have sex yet." You turn over hugging the pillow pouting acting like you have discovered that I'm a player and I'm not living up to my good girl appearance. I consider leaving but your insistence is so adorable. I hug your back and kiss you all over. We make passionate love and then you let me go. You make an amazing song about morning sex which I listen to the next time with wonder feeling more attracted than ever. The passionate lovemaking and intimacy is so deep it feels like we are touching each other's soul. You say, "I love you. I could be exclusive with you. I'm not fucking with anyone else. Come over anytime. You don't need to even call or text." However, I know you don't mean it. It's the alcohol and the emotion of the moment. You say, "I see our potential. Let’s make a plan for the future." Yet the truth is every time I see you, I know it may be my last. I try to mentally prepare myself to be ghosted. You are a player and I did meet you in The Players Circle.

After an intense orgasm, we lay together sweating on each other cuddling, and you confess, "I'm not ready for love yet. I'm not ready to give away my power yet. I don't respond to your texts because I block you. I need to take care of business. If I go down this road with you, it will be too much of a distraction." I want to tell you I could love you more deeply than you can ever imagine and would do anything to make you happy, but I stay silent and hug you giving you all my positive energy and love. In the morning after a night and morning of lovemaking, I get dressed and you get up to make music. I still don’t know exactly what you do, and you don't know anything about me. I look at you to see if you have any interest in going to breakfast or ask any questions about who I am. Since I see no sign of curiosity, I hug you and leave since I have a million other things I need to do anyway. This is the paradox of The Players Circle. Someone that I feel more passion and intimacy with in years is a total stranger that has no interest in getting to know me. He assures me it's intentional and that he must not fall for me. He admits he’s bad at dating. I feel his intense desire but also his fear. This is a common occurrence in The Players Circle. They get too close, freak out, and then they disappear. Later they resurface, and I get the real story and the emotional circumstances. I see you slowly pull away and disappear. I feel like I’ve been stabbed in the heart, but I’m the idiot that fell for someone in The Player’s Circle.

A bright white light piercing my eyelid wakes me up at 8 am. I squint and see an amazing ocean view against a warm clear blue sky. I hide from the sun behind the muscular black man’s torso laying next to me. I reach out and touch the wall of perfect pecks and smooth eight pack. My mind focuses back into reality…How did I get here? What’s his name again? Where are my clothes? I must have passed out if I fell asleep until morning butt naked I laugh to myself. While peering at the view from the Manhattan Beach mansion that morning, I’m reminded there are better beds and everything happens a reason. The hole in my heart starts to mend.

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