I sit in a comfortable rocking chair on my porch peering at the orange, red and peach colored roses and geraniums gently swaying in the breeze as a small humming bird kisses each flower with intent. I take pause noticing how beautiful the garden looks today and how fearless the humming bird seems to be coming so close to me. I think it seems he is looking at me... Can he feel my positive energy and knows I'm no threat? Then his name pops back into my mind. What is love I ponder. It seems there are many different layers and levels. Not easy to define as we all experience it so differently with different people. For example, its possible to love someone for who they are. Not considering what they can do for you or what role they play in your life. Its pure unconditional love and appreciation of one's characteristics. You can love who someone is even if they hurt you. You can love parts of a person. Boundaries are healthy to protect ourselves from getting hurt. In additional to loving part of who someone is, you can have a deep connection with someone that is on another level from everyone else. His name pops in my head again as I run through the details of our latest chapter in my mind.
You ghosted me and then begged for a second chance. I had felt heart broken two months earlier when you decided you didn't want to see me. I couldn't even get the closure I needed. You occupied my thoughts, my throat tensed and heart ached. I went on an epic adventure though Africa and Europe. I met others and the pain slowly went away. I answer your video call while sunbathing on a yacht in the Greek Islands.
You: I miss you and want to see you when you get back. I want to date this time. We have made it to the next tier. (you chuckle) Come visit and stay with me for a day or a few days or a week.
Me: I didn't think that you liked me.
You: I'm sorry I made you feel that way. Its not true. I like you and miss you. Give me another chance. I'll prove it to you.
Me: Okay, I'll come over when I get back next week.
Deep down I'm elated by the thought of being close to you again. I come to your house late at night soon after I get back. I lay on the couch and you sit looking at me barraging me with compliments. You say, "Damn girl, you look good. I want to eat you like a snack!" You jump on the couch and hug me. I feel an intense warm energy being transferred from your body to mine. I feel a surge of endorphins as I hold you close for a long five minutes. I forgot how amazing it felt to absorb your love energy. I don't know why I don't feel this with anyone else regardless of my feelings. We are connecting on another level and I don't quite understand it. Is it our sub-conscious minds or primordial animalistic pheromones? Could it be spiritual or God's plan? I don't know the truth, but I do know there is a mutual connection and passion which is undeniable. I may not understand the meaning of life, but energy transfer between people is real and its important not to ignore it. We make passionate love and I remind you in the morning before I leave that you promised to take me on a date sometime.
I text you, "Hey sweetie, I'm going to be in your area this weekend. Can I stay with you?" No response. I go out with girlfriends and need somewhere to stay and still no response for days or weeks. My immediate feeling is rejection and anger. You welcomed me to stay with you for a few days and you can't be bothered to respond to my text about staying for a night. WTF I shout in my head. Then I go on dates with rich guys, party, have fun and remember that I shouldn't take myself or life so seriously. I feel better but he still lingers in my thoughts. Its the power of the love connection. I know better than to chase after someone that doesn't care, but how does one rid themselves of thoughts of someone that they love. The remedy is time, acceptance, and seeing the reality of the situation. First, is accepting that you are in love with part of this person and its natural to feel like you want to be with them. They make you feel good because you love them. Its a real thing. Ignore your girlfriends that tell you it wrong, wasn't love or not real. Trying to trick yourself into believing that will quickly melt away next time you see him. Accept that there is part of this person that you love, parts you don't know and parts that you don't like. That is the reality of the situation. Then fill your life with delightful distractions. I've had some of the best sex ever on the rebound. Over time better options will present themselves and he will eventually leave your thoughts.