I sit in a comfortable rocking chair on my porch peering at the orange, red and peach colored roses and geraniums gently swaying in the breeze as a small humming bird kisses each flower with intent. I take pause noticing how beautiful the garden looks today and how fearless the humming bird seems to be coming so close to me. I think it seems he is looking at me... Can he feel my positive energy and knows I'm no threat? Then his name pops back into my mind. I can’t seem to rid him from my mind. Is it because I love him or an infatuation? Not necessary love in the traditional sense but I feel that there are things about him that I love, things I don’t like and things I don’t know. Maybe its just an obsessive emotional and physical infatuation. I debate in my mind what is the difference between love and infatuation with no conclusion. Then I focus on what I know to be true. We had a deep, intimate emotional and physical connection. My core values are based on the energy transfers described in the Celestine Prophecy. I believe we are energy and can have energy transfers between each other which are sometimes positive or negative or sexual. The energy between us was electric and more intense than anything I had felt before. He felt it too and we were both so moved by what was happening that we talked about it openly. He told me he could tell it was powerful and it scared him. He admitted his first instinct was to run away and he did a few times. No matter what happened between us, I know the energy was real and mutual.
After three months of dating, you ghosted me and I felt heart broken. I wanted closure but you refused to talk to me or see me. You occupied my thoughts, my throat tensed and heart ached. I went on an epic adventure though Africa and Europe. I met others and the pain slowly went away. Two months later, I answer your video call while sunbathing on a yacht in the Greek Islands.
You: I miss you and want to see you when you get back. I want to date this time. We have made it to the next tier. (you chuckle) Come visit and stay with me for a day or a few days or a week.
Me: I didn't think that you liked me.
You: I'm sorry I made you feel that way. It’s not true. I like you and miss you. Give me another chance. I'll prove it to you.
Me: Okay, I'll come over when I get back next week.
Deep down I'm elated by the thought of being close to you again. I come to your house late at night soon after I get back. I lay on the couch and you sit looking at me barraging me with compliments. You say, "Damn girl, you look good. I want to eat you like a snack!" You jump on the couch and hug me. I feel an intense warm energy being transferred from your body to mine. I feel a surge of endorphins as I hold you close for a long five minutes. I forgot how amazing it felt to absorb your love energy. I don't know why I don't feel this with anyone else regardless of my feelings. My mind is flooded with thoughts in the moment. Why do we have such a deep connection? Is it our sub-conscious minds connecting or primordial animalistic pheromones? Are we soulmates or is it God's plan? I don't know the truth, but I do know there is a mutual connection and passion which is undeniable. We make love and I remind you in the morning before I leave that you promised to take me on a date sometime.
I text you, "Hey sweetie, I'm going to be in your area this weekend. Can I stay with you?" No response. I go out with girlfriends and need somewhere to stay and still no response for days or weeks. My immediate feeling is rejection and anger. You welcomed me to stay with you for a few days and you can't be bothered to respond to my text about staying for a night. WTF I shout in my head.
You ghost me again and I’m back to feeling heart broken. A month later you call in the middle of the night, “Katrina, I want to see you. I miss you. Come over,” you plead. For the first time I say no to your booty call. I suggest we go on a date tomorrow and you agree. You text me in the morning at 8am. “I have been waiting all night. Can you come over now? I want to see you.” I happen to not have work and I dress up and come over. He tears off my clothes as I walk into the doorway and I stay for two days. We talk, I make you dinner, you make music and play the drums and piano for me. You open up in a new way. We start seeing each other often and you start to tell me about your career in music and day to day life. I start to understand how you got that Grammy on your wall. We grow closer and I see you slowly open your guarded heart.
We have the best love making I have ever experienced. We spoon and we make passionate love as you whisper in my ear the entire time. You tell me that I’m perfect and list all the things you love about me. You are perfect you say over and over again until we orgasm in ecstasy together. We spoon and you wrap both your arms around me holding me tight and fall asleep. I lay still feeling your heart beat and breath on the back of my neck. I’d normally feel uncomfortable, but I absorb your love energy like a drug addict getting a fix. I can’t remember ever feeling this happy or complete. I want to see you the next night but you already have a music session and date with a singer. Your music career and sex life are intertwined. I’m overcome with sadness and you hug me as you see the look on my face. “You are too good for me Katrina”, he says. “There is no such thing as too good,” I say as I call him out of him bullshit. I look into his eyes and see that he is intimidated by me and fearful of what we could be. He’s just not ready and I can’t force him to want me. He’s in the Player’s Circle and he’s not going to step out with me. He tries to explain how dating helps with networking and his music career and I grow impatient with his false facade. We argue and by the end we decide to never see each other again.
My heart aches and I force myself every day not to contact him. I’m unable to shake him from my thoughts. Then I go on dates with rich guys, party, have fun and remember that I shouldn't take myself or life so seriously. I feel better but he still lingers in my thoughts. Its the power of the love connection. I know better than to chase after someone that doesn't care, but how does one rid themselves of such thoughts. I meditate and try to gain better control of my mind. I know deep down the remedy is time. I feel annoyed by girlfriends that say he never really cared or the love between is wasn’t real. That’s not the truth. I crave him but accept that there are certain things in life that I can’t control. So I fill my life with delightful distractions because I know time will eventually heal my heart. Time is the only remedy.